if i can run in heels then i can drive
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
