My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
