I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize