Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
