i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
