the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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