Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She told me I should be a condom model.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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