i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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