I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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