Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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