Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
