Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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