So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
