She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
