I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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