the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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