I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
