He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
