Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
