I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Less talking, more tequila
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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