Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize