I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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