Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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