he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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