Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
