Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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