ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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