She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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