I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
