cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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