somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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