No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He passed out mid-signature
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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