I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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