I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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