i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
