he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
