WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
