They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
