Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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