I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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