I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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