my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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