It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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