at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize