How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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