We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
