when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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