Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
