I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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