If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
