nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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