So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
