when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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