I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
