If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I forget how to act sober
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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