sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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