My hand turned me down
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
