im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
