for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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