You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
