Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
