When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
