He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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