I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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