The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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