I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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