so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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