Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
