Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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