I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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