I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
