Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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