I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
